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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25347595">Not As Okay As I Said</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaximusMeridian/pseuds/MaximusMeridian'>MaximusMeridian</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TharnType the Series (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Detailed panic attack, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Tharn has PTSD and you can't tell me otherwise, Type wants to fix it, lots of emotions, trigger warning: panic attack</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:53:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,791</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25347595</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaximusMeridian/pseuds/MaximusMeridian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tharn has scars after the Lhong event and tries hard to hide it, but eventually it boils over and he's shattered into pieces. Type learns how to pick up the pieces.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tharn Thara Kirigun/Type Thiwat Phawattakun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>280</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Not As Okay As I Said</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/EbbaTriesToWrite/gifts">EbbaTriesToWrite</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TRIGGER WARNING:</p>
<p>Tharn experiences several panic attacks that are extremely in depth and realistic to my own knowledge and experience. Please be advised if this may trigger you.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>A week should be plenty of time to get over something traumatic, right?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And it wasn’t even that bad! It had just been having his heart ripped out by the love of his life, then finding out his best friend had been sabotaging his relationships for years. Also that his ex had been gang raped because of him. And the previously mentioned love of his life was almost beaten to death by the best friend_</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn got a headache just trying to sort it out in his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It should be okay now though. Lhong was out of his life. Tar was safe. Type was back in their home where he belonged… </span>
  <em>
    <span>So why was this happening?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn woke up with a miserable ache in his chest, like a thousand pounds was piled on, his breath catching half way until he couldn’t think because his head felt so dizzy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Only then Tharn would remember where he was, with Type’s arms around his waist, and Tharn forced himself to suck in a deep breath, blinking slowly until the spots cleared from his vision.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A nightmare. That’s all it had been. Just a flash back to the night Type left, only this time, he never came back. He walked out and Tharn never saw him again. It was just one more relationship he had managed to ruin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn reached up with the hand not currently pinned by his boyfriend, wiping the wetness from his eyes. He hadn’t realized he’d been crying. Maybe even before he’d woken up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn was just grateful he hadn’t woken Type up. He couldn’t even begin explaining this to the other boy. How do you tell someone, someone you love, that they caused you so much heartbreak that even when they’re laying right next to you, your chest aches and you’re in so much pain, you can’t breathe?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No. No, this would pass. Tharn just needed more than a week. That’s all. He would just need longer to process. It would be okay.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>And it was okay, mostly. Until the first time Tharn bumped into Lhong again at school. He ran directly into the other boy when turning around a corner.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah! So sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going_” Lhong hurried, the words dying off as he realized exactly who it was in front of him. “Tharn…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn felt a knot growing in his throat, his breath catching in his throat. He didn’t trust his own voice and instead stepped around Lhong and hurried toward his next class. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead though, he ducked into a bathroom, locking the door and sinking down to the floor.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Every day, I hate myself more and more…”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Type’s face when he said those words was burned into Tharn’s mind. It wasn’t something he made up. He meant it. He’d become a person he hated because of Tharn. If he had just moved out when Type asked… Neither of them would have gotten hurt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“…if we have to break up someday, isn't it better to do it now?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>It would happen again. It always happened. Type would meet someone that was just less effort. Someone who made him laugh more than cry. Someone who didn’t come with the baggage Tharn did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span> “Before I lose myself more than I already have."</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn choked out a sob then, pressing the back of his hand to his mouth to try and cover the sound. The words spiraled in his mind, constantly repeating, over and over until they were blurring together. Only each one could still be felt and heard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn scrambled toward one of the toilet stalls, doubling over and dry heaving, his whole body seizing with the force of it. Everything hurt. He felt feverish and dizzy. He felt… broken.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>These were actual words Type said. Words he never took back or said he made up. Words he genuinely said before leaving Tharn on his knees in their apartment. Words that… at least some part of him had meant.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Tharn’s text tone went off, it felt distant. Like he could barely hear it from another room, while at the same time sounding too loud and right in his ear.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He managed to fish his phone out of his pocket, using both hands to be steady enough to read the screen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Type</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>How could one person make you feel so relieved and in pain at the same time?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stared at the phone for several long minutes, the letters of his boyfriend’s name twisting and blurring until the screen went black, then lighting up again with another message… and then another. How many times had Type texted him? Was he in trouble? Did he need help?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn opened the messages and read through slowly, letting out a slow exhale when he saw that they weren’t anything serious.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Type:</b>
  <span> Let’s meet for lunch after class. I’m hungry.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Type: </b>
  <span>Did you move my textbook this morning? It isn’t in my bag</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Type: </b>
  <span>Did you go home? I’m getting texts asking why you weren’t in class.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Type:</b>
  <span> Tharn? Are you okay?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn looked down at the time and quietly cursed. Had he been in here that long? He had missed an entire class! And Type was worried on top of that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Tharn:</b>
  <span> Sorry. Wasn’t feeling well and forgot to text you. Headed home now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He put his phone away and stood up, dusting off his clothes and grabbing his bag again. Thankfully, he wasn’t lying so there was no reason to feel guilty. And Type wasn’t going to put a stop to his whole day because Tharn went home so there was no inconvenience either.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>When Tharn got home, he unlocked the door and walked inside, setting his bag aside. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ow, you do look sick.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Type?” Tharn jumped, shocked to see him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you have another roommate?” Type raised an eyebrow. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But you have class.” Tharn insisted weakly. He tried to act casual but thankfully Type already thought he was sick so Tharn didn’t have to try too hard. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My boyfriend was sick so I came home to take care of him.” Type frowned, walking over and grabbing Tharn’s hand. “Come lay down. You look awful.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What every man wants to hear.” Tharn huffed quietly, kicking off his shoes and walking to the bed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn stripped off his dress shirt and hung it up before flopping into the bed tiredly. Who knew emotions were so exhausting?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t have a fever.” Type frowned, gently pushing Tharn’s bangs off his face and sitting on the edge of the bed. “What’s wrong?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just didn’t sleep well and feel bad today.” Tharn shook his head, turning to the side so he could look at Type. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought you were tossing and turning last night.” Type nodded. “You’ve been doing that a lot… nightmares?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Something like that.” Tharn mumbled, pressing his face back into the pillow. His head was starting to hurt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Type sighed, gently scratching his fingers through Tharn’s hair the way he always enjoyed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Should I… is it something I can help with?” Type tried, and it made Tharn’s heart hurt. Type was so obviously uncomfortable with comforting people but he was trying for Tharn. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Before I lose myself more than I already have…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, it’s nothing.” Tharn insisted, lifting his head and offering a small smile. “It’s nothing, Type. I’m just tired.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Type nodded, seeming to accept that at face value. “I need to go pick up something for lunch. Do you want anything?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mm-hmm.” Tharn nodded, lying back down fully. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Type stood up and gathered his keys and wallet before heading out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn sighed heavily, pulling the pillow to his chest and sniffling to himself. This was too much.The fear. The lingering panic…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was so exhausting. Tharn just wanted to be back to normal and happily dating Type. Why couldn’t they have that? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>…if we have to break up someday, isn't it better to do it now?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Is that what they were moving toward? A real break up? Tharn had asked him not to ever say the “break up” words again but what if Type became miserable with him? If Type wanted to keep his promise but he was hurting because of it?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn was so tired now… closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Type came home about twenty minutes later, carrying two small plastic bags. He’d gotten sprite, which was both Tharn’s favorite and supposed to help you feel better. He’d also grabbed Tharn a simple rice dish, specifically ordered without the spice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Since everything with Lhong, Type had been trying to be more attentive. To show more that he genuinely cared and wasn’t angry about having to give affection sometimes. It was still hard. He genuinely had no idea </span>
  <em>
    <span>how</span>
  </em>
  <span> sometimes but he tried when he could. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was hard though because Tharn was different. He used to have such a lighthearted and carefree way about him but now he always had a tight pinched look in his eyes. Despite his smile, there was always a small lingering sadness there. And Type couldn’t help but feel like maybe it had something to do with him. But how could he ask? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He couldn’t. So instead he just stayed quiet and let Tharn do… whatever things Tharn did alone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At first glance, Tharn looked to be sleeping when Type got home. But as Type got closer, he began to notice the little details. Tharn’s fingers clenched the pillow tightly until his knuckles were white. His face was pressed into the pillow as well, his body shaking with what Type came to realize were sobs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tharn?” Type frowned, sitting on the side of the bed and reaching to gently touch his hair. “Tharn!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn froze then, sniffling a little and relaxing his grip on the pillow. The crying subsided but Tharn didn’t turn to look at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Type didn’t want to be so frustrated, but he was. Not necessarily with Tharn for being upset about something, but that Type didn’t know what it was or how to fix it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn was the attentive one, knowing when Type was upset and knowing how to fix it within seconds. And Type… he didn’t know how to even begin being comforting. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After several long minutes of thinking, Type pulled out his phone and dialed a number he had reserved for only emergencies.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a bit odd to see you without Tharn. What was so important we couldn’t talk about it with him?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Type sighed heavily, bouncing on his heels a bit anxiously. He was currently standing in Tharn’s family home alone with Thorn. If anyone knew what Tharn was upset about, it would be Thorn. The brothers were impossibly close.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No one gets home for a while, right?” Type asked instead of answering the question. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Thorn nodded. “Princess gets home in two hours and my parents are out of town.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The reason Tharn isn’t with me is because he’s the problem.” Type explained, wincing and correcting himself quickly. “He isn’t. It’s… something has him upset. Crying, nightmares, getting sick… I don’t know what to do. I was hoping you would know what was going on.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You guys have been back together for ten days.” Thorn frowned, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back against the counter. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know.” Type insisted. “And I’ve been trying to be better, but he’s… so closed off. He doesn’t smile like usual. Or tease. Or, or anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Heartbreak does that to people.” Thorn said pointedly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But we got back together.” Type frowned. “That… should be okay now, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Thorn sighed, shaking his head. “Type, within the span of two days, the two people Tharn trusted most in the world betrayed him. He found out what happened to Tar, watched you get beaten up… you really think he’d get over that in a few days?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Type faltered, wanting to slap himself in the forehead. Of course. He hadn’t even considered… So much had happened and Tharn had gone immediately into trying to take care of Type and everyone else.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Trauma leaves scars.” Thorn added softly. “And Tharn… he tries so hard to protect everyone else… that bad things eat him up inside until he breaks. Usually it isn’t so drastic, but the past hasn’t been so painful.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I promised never to leave again.” Type said weakly. “I’m trying to be nicer… more helpful. What more can I do?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Have you ever experienced something traumatizing? Something that left you hurting and needing time to recover?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Visions of an old basement flashed before Type’s eyes, a chair and ropes…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have.” Type nodded quietly. “Tharn helped me get over it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So help him.” Thorn smiled encouragingly. “If he cries, wipe his tears. If he has nightmares, make them sweet. He loves you, Type. So, so much. You have to love him just as much.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Type swallowed hard, his throat feeling tight with the tears welling up. “It’s my fault he’s like this, Thorn… how do I know I won’t make it worse?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Thorn sighed again, shaking his head. “You can’t think like that. Be the solution and not the problem. How many times have you been the one to fix something for you two?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Never.” Type whispered, blinking quickly to hold back tears. He hated to cry. He certainly didn't do it in front of people.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Now’s a perfect time to start.” Thorn encouraged, stepping forward and squeezing Type’s shoulder. “Just try. It’s all anyone can ask of you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you.” Type said softly. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>The next day, Type woke up before Tharn did. He hurried to get dressed and snuck out to go get breakfast. He thankfully made it back before Tharn woke up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Type set the small table with the two plates, pouring some fresh juice he’d picked up as well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once he was satisfied, he climbed onto the bed and pulled Tharn into a hug, pressing soft kisses over Tharn’s cheeks and down his neck. “Tharn…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tharn…” Type hummed, nuzzling Tharn’s cheek and gently rubbing his chest. “It’s morning time…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn wrinkled his nose, slowly peeling his eyes open and giving Type a small half smile. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Type…</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was a start! It sounded so much like the teasing drawn out way Tharn said his name when he knew Type was being ridiculous. It was the most wonderful sound in the world.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Tharn</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Type mimicked the tone, smiling warmly and kissing Tharn’s nose. “I got breakfast.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can’t eat.” Tharn murmured. “Must be dreaming…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why’s that?” Type asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re being so nice… and got breakfast… it’s like a dream.” Tharn explained, yawning a little. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How can I show you it’s real life?” Type asked, sitting up so he was looking down at Tharn. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You could start by giving me a kiss.” Tharn invited innocently. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You have morning breath.” Type complained, his natural bratty nature slipping through the sweet demeanor he’d been playing up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn laughed openly, shaking his head. “I’m convinced now. Dream Type complains less.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nh.” Type stuck his tongue out childishly before a warm smile took over his face. Tharn’s laugh was so beautiful… a melody Type wanted to hear all the time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What brought this on?” Tharn asked softly, gently pushing Type’s bangs off his face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know you’ve been hurting.” Type explained, turning his head slightly to press a kiss to Tharn’s ring. “And I didn’t know how to help. You pulled away so I thought that’s what you needed. I finally realized that wasn’t true at all.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn smiled faintly, leaning forward and pressing his forehead gently to Type’s. “I didn’t want to bother you… I promised to be less difficult.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Type frowned, pulling back. “Tharn, you aren’t difficult. I am. Constantly. And about everything. You’re easy and attentive and I just… I don’t deserve you even for a moment.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Tharn’s expression began falling, Type leaned forward again and kissed him quickly. “And I’m going to get better until I feel like I deserve you. Which means you won’t get rid of me until then. And by then, I’ll be such a perfect boyfriend you won’t want to ever let me go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Type.” Tharn laughed, pulling him into a tight hug. “You’re already perfect for me. You don’t have to change for me. I’m so happy to have you and love you forever.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tharn.” Type wrinkled his nose. “Don’t be so sweet. I’ll get a cavity.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tharn laughed, lying back and pulling Type with him. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>And maybe that didn’t solve everything. Tharn still had nightmares and woke up teary and clinging to Type sometimes but they happened less and less. And Type stayed true to his word and, believe it or not, he actually came to enjoy the feeling of spoiling his boyfriend from time to time.</span>
</p>
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